Friend threatening suicide

See this question under the Welcome post:

A friend of mine has recently threatened suicide. He's in junior high and most the time it's for attention, like when he gets mad at his girlfriend. He's also said it in front of his mom. She's really worried. How do you handle threats like that?

While it may seem to be something he's doing for attention, this is actually a very serious issue and needs to be addressed soon--like NOW.  I always look at suicide threats this way . . . if someone needs attention so badly that they feel threatening suicide is the only way to get it, then by all means pay attention to them!  Could there be a clearer signal!?!  Someone needs to see what is going on.  Is he dealing with a lot of difficult emotion?  Is there something in his life he can't get under control? 

Of course I don't know if he actually has any intent or plans to commit suicide, but just the fact that he is mentioning it is dangerous.  It means he is thinking about it at some level, and that he could be (or already is) getting more comfortable with the idea of doing it. 

Since he has mentioned it to his mom, my utmost hope is that she is taking it seriously and trying to talk to him about it.  I also hope she is seeking some professional help for him--counseling, seeing a doctor, etc.  The worst thing to do is dismiss it as "just trying to get attention." 

As for his friends:  Be there for him.  Talk to him.  Listen to him.  Try to understand what he is feeling--whether or not you think he is "right."  You don't have to have all the answers of how to fix things . . . you just have to let him know you are his friend . . . that he can trust you . . . that you genuinely care about him. 

And if his mom is not taking it seriously for some reason, tell another adult.  Tell a teacher or the school counselor, or the school nurse, or a neighbor, or anybody else you can think of that will get him some help.  That is what he needs most.  Don't worry about him getting mad at you for telling someone.  While it is possible that he will get mad initially, he won't stay mad.  And keeping him safe is more important than keeping his secret. 

If you want to write back to me with more specifics on who and where he is, I will try to get him some help.  Best wishes to all of you.   

Kelly

Is My Teen Using Drugs?

Hello Anonymous!

Thanks for the great question about what to do if you suspect your teen is using drugs!  Sadly, drugs seem to be so readily available to teens these days, that many think it's perfectly normal and perfectly okay.  I cannot tell you how many teens have looked me straight in the eye and told me that because weed is "natural" it is actually good for you.  And they often believe there are no risks or downsides whatsoever. 

If you suspect your teen is using drugs, the first thing to try to understand is why.  In my experience working with teens (and adults, for that matter) drug or substance use of any kind is a form of escape 100% of the time.  Strong words, I know.  But I believe they are true. 

So for me the next logical question is to figure out what they are "escaping from."  It could be worry or sadness, grief or stress, pressures of school or life or competing at some sport or other activity, troubled relationships with a dating interest, friends, YOU (the parents), or even boredom.  Once you understand this, the next step is to try to talk to them . . . that doesn't mean yell or threaten or berate or degrade them.  It means to genuinely try to put yourself in their shoes and show that you understand where they are coming from.  You were a teen once.  Try to remember what it was like to feel so out of control over everything in your life. 

One of the reasons they aren't telling you what's going on in their lives is that they have figured out it's not always safe to tell you stuff.  They know you might judge them or reject them or punish them in some way, and they don't trust you.  To try to get through to them, you have to let them know they can trust you.  You are on their side.  And you are not simply going to try to control them (they hate that as much as you do.) 

It is okay to have consequences for them if you find drugs or drug paraphenalia.  It is okay to have rules and enforce them.  In fact, they need rules and guidelines and structure.  They need some sense of predicatbility of what will happen.  They just need these things administered with love and compassion and not with an "I gotcha" attitude. 

It will be difficult for all of you; it will take some time to build this trust.  And teens will often push back with everything they've got. But stand strong, always speak to them with love and not rejection.  The connection with them is the key.  Build or rebuild the relationship. 

A long-winded answer for sure (anyone who knows me will not be surprised!).  But I hope it is helpful.  Tell me what you think.

Welcome!!

Welcome to my new blog site and my first post!  I started this site for several reasons, but a main one is that I seem to be getting the same questions these days from lots of different people--clients, students, friends, family.  I figured if so many people that I personally know are dealing with the same types of issues, maybe there are a lot more people trying to do the same thing. 

I decided it would be a good idea to have a public forum where people could ask questions and get some thoughts from a professional counselor (that's me!) and even hear what others may be doing about the same problems.  I hope this will be helpful! 

Ask away . . . .   :-)